Why Is It Still Hard?

Hello everyone! How are things?

I have had such a rollercoaster ride recently. These past two weeks my emotions have been crazier than ever. It all started about 3 months ago, back in the office. I watched the mission very closely. I love watching areas that looked "dead" and seeing a missionary come in and start baptizing like crazy. I watching these missionaries especially closely. I learned from them and thought I had found the secrets to being a good missionary.  

Leaving the office, I got put in a dead area. Nobody had been baptized in a long while. I followed the whole process and did everything I could, but to no avail. We weren't teaching anybody. They closed that area down a month later. I got moved to the neighboring area, a strong branch shared between us and hermanas, and was hyped to do some good work. The hermanas had been baptizing frequently, and we were excited. Starting was hard. We had no people to teach so we went contacting. Here I am 2 months later....and we're still contacting. For a few weeks I was fine. But then nothing changed.  

Every meeting with members we went to was the same. The hermanas would explain how much success they had been having. They would make plans for their baptism that weekend, explain the absolute miracles that they were seeing every day, and then talk about the baptismal candidates for the following week. The members would all then turn to us and ask about our friends. I never knew what to say. I couldn't explain it. We had nobody.  

Every study I had was devoted to figuring out what I was doing wrong. I tried many many things. I decided that in the end, I can't do much. I can only take the Spirit and trust that God will use us as instruments for good. I did everything I could to have the Spirit with me. But after a few weeks it was still the same. Nothing changed. I switched my studies. I stopped studying how to be better and started studying why I should even keep working. I studied patience, submitting to God's will, and diligence. I determined that no matter how bad I felt, I would at least strive to be obedient.

I had quite a few ups and downs. I simply refused to believe that there were no "escogidos" (people willing to progress towards baptism) in the area. I also refused to believe that God would hide His escogidos from us. But I had to face reality. I went to my trusted missionary leader and told him, "look, I got nothing to hide. I'm not doing well, my area is not doing well. What do I do?" His answer surprised me. After talking awhile he told me, "God will sharpen you, you won't." I won't lie, I still don't get it. But I decided finally that if I don't better myself, God will better me. So I stopped trying and simply starting working.

Now I'm here to report. My area is not doing well. I have no explanation. But I am happy. Life is weird. The only thing that changed is that I stopped trying so hard to become better. But in doing so I am letting God into my life in a way I hadn't thought of before.  

God is good. Let Him shape you.

Elder Blacker

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